Edit 2:

I wanted to give my dog a burial, since I live in an appartment she's cremated. I wasn't allowed to see her body since it wasn't reconiseble.
I asked if I could have the urn but it will cost me 220 euro's... Also they will charge us for the cremation so I'm like: ...

Next door someone new moved in with two dogs and one of them is full with tumors. The doors were open and suddenly 'Sam' the male dog just decided to come in and later layed down on the front door looking. His entire face and neck is full with tumors.
The other dog River later came in my arms and then two cats peeped out of the door looking.

The lady was so angry (her name is Katy btw) what happened to my dog. I helped her to the extent I could with her dog, Sam.
It's like those dogs feel what I'm going through and just sat next to me in the hall.

Moneytrouble, sick, humiliated, broke, depressed, I'm taking meds so I can make a 'smile' on my face.
Today doctor said that I have leveroetrose. So no more sweets and candy for me...

*sighs* What am I gonna do with myself? ...
I really would like to get Safari's urn and throw half at her favorite park... And keep the rest with me in the closet and a lil bit in a necklace...
I feel selfish for wanting this... But I can't aford it...

I can't aford anything...

and no, I'm not getting another dog. This was my last dog... Enough is enough... I live on a appartment, I'm sick myself and a dog needs contant attention, love and devotion which I could barely give Safari. I need to heal first if I want to do something...
I did tell mum, if I get better and I earn money like it should and can aford a house I'll buy a Shiba Uno dog and name it: 'Hachiko' to become the guardian of the house.

But that dream wont come true... I really don't feel well lately anymore...
I'm beeing pushed close to the edge, held a blade on my wrist for the FIRST time in my life a few days ago. So all this negative attention is not doing me well. I know I shouldn't give up and I appreciate what you all say to me...
But sometimes my mind just shuts down and thinkgs: 'end it all'
'it's the only option left,  you are done for, you are in problems, you can't get out... You can't get out, DO IT!'

In the end I didn't harm myself but I was scared that my mind would take controle like this. I'm loosing control over myself.
And this is alarming to my family and me.
I just wish they wouldn't say: 'you think you got it bad...' i know people have it worse then I have and I wont say that to people either.

I'm scared, stuck and emotional I'm becoming unballenced... so I think right now... I don't know really what to do. I allready have help every week I talk to Dina, my doctor. But I think this bizz with Safari has driven me to a part I'm ... unstable right now.... I'm afraid and admit it I'm unstable... Maybe I feel better in a while... maybe...

...

A frequent thing isn't it...

____________

Edit: She's dead... I can't say how. If you really must know. My facebook knows the truth...
b r o k e n...

Safari

Everywhere I go I see my dog. Today I tried to enjoy an icecream and trying to hold back the tears was more difficult then I thought. So suddenly not one tear but just 2-3 just fall out. My mother tries to be strong.

I asked mum: "Why my dog?"

I heard a song that quite fit's my last words to Safari:

""I told you to be patient I told you to be fine
I told you to be balanced I told you to be kind""
Now all your love is wasted then who the hell was I?
Cause now I'm breaking at the britches
And at the end of all your lines

Who will love you? who will fight?
And who will fall, far behind?"

Comes from this song: 'Birdy - Skinny Love" ([link] )
If I could take back the moments I was angry at you... I would have cuddled you more if I could have.
Instead of ignoring you when you needed a pat on the head because I was to busy working...

I would have played more with you outside with your squeker. I would have let you sleep on my bed since you loved beeing close to me.
I wouldn't shout at you anymore if you where a lil to rough when you played... I'm a horrible owner...

Beeing called: 'slut' and more horrible words on youtube is horrible to read. Though I wish people said in my face but they take the easy road and just type these things out without knowing how much it hurts reading all this pain...

I deserve this...

I deserve all those things happening to me...
I don't deserve goodness... I'm sinking sowly into a deeper depression then I allready am.
People tell me: "Why does this unfortionate fortions happen to you?" I wish I could reply to that question. Maybe because this is what grandmother wanted to happen with my life...


- K

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